Entry: I suck Thursday, May 01, 2008

Yep, I know, I suck.  It's been what 14 months since my last post? 

And today, well you know what?  I just don't like the person I've been lately, I have a short temper with my now 3 year old, and frankly I feel like a bully in hindsight.  I feel like I'm overparenting and micromanaging.  Having said that I know I'm doing it in a lot of ways to try to keep L contained enough that I don't have to hear DH bitch about him.   And H (and L) really aren't getting the attention that they deserve from me.  Most of the time I feel like I'm giving negative attention or ferrying them around from place to place.  I wish there was a way to get everything done without sacrificing my time from them, so that I could be more relaxed and positive while with them.  I feel so snowed under all the obligations and responsibilities, that I just become a stressed, negative and demanding pushy person.

We're rarely at home during the week, and rarely get to enjoy being home, we seem to only be here when things are falling into such a state of disaster around the place the all hell will break loose if things don't get done, or if people are sick, which means no one wants to be sociable.

I had a fender bender back in September, which made me sick with worry and then a couple months later was informed that it had been deemed mutual fault and therefor both parties were to make their claims to their own insurers and then that was the end of it.  The whole thing had been so stressful and miserable that when I got that news (over the phone) that i trashed all of my paperwork dealing with it, so that I'd never have to come across it again.  Long story short, we got a letter from a recovery company today.  I feel sick again and DH is pissed at me again, and more so now since I discarded the paperwork (and yes I realise that was a dumb move, but I needed to do that then!!)

In addition to these things DH hasn't slept in the same bed as me on a regular basis for pretty much our whole marriage since he says I snore too much. 

I went to a workshop today on developing child friendly playspaces for the community, and we all discussed some of our most memorable play experiences as kids, and I know I'm not giving my kids the chance to experience anything more memorable than errands, classes and discipline, and I worry that I'm fostering an environment for fearful, inhibited, stressed kids.

I'm an extremely opinionated person, and I seem to be losing control of when not to say things, and realise in hindsight too frequently that something I've said was regrettable and could be construed as hurtful, or rude.

I'm feeling pretty lonely, stressed and like a crappy parent and person.



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